Itty Bitty Destructor Kitty

Itty Bitty Destructor Kitty

Hello everyone, it’s Throwback Thursday! Here’s Bailey when he was just an itty bitty destructor kitty.

Baby BaileyTwo years on and he’s still a destructive little prick but he has moved on from innocent destruction and any carnage now largely involves me coming home to headless corpses and feathery atrocities.
If anyone out there would like to invent a cat flap that punches your cat in the face if it tries to drag the local wildlife into your home, I’d be open to offering free testing facilities here at my house.

Tonight I came home to a sea of feathers; no an OCEAN of feathers. As I stepped gingerly into my kitchen the feathers parted like I was Moses himself.
The problem with my kitchen floor is it’s great for hiding muck, but it’s equally great at disguising discarded corpses. Nothing says welcome home like treading in entrails after a long, hard day at the office.
After a quick assessment I came to the conclusion that there was no corpse to be had. The swirling tornado of feathers suggested whatever had been here had likely met its demise but, as is customary when you live in a house of cold-blooded killers, I decided to investigate to make absolutely sure that nothing living required medical assistance and nothing dead was left to rot and fester under the furniture.

At this point I had yet to even remove my coat but there I was, scooting around on my belly, thrusting my iPhone light into every nook and cranny while a bottle of unopened wine wept quietly, calling to me from the fridge.
The Trio sat staring at me, glancing at one another occasionally as though to question my sanity.
“This is your fault” I hissed, as I struggled to wrench the sofa away from the wall, wondering what the fuck possessed me to buy a metal framed, reclining sofa that weighs more than a double decker bus.
“You horrible, murdering little bastards, what the pissing hell is wrong with you?!” They continued to stare at me.

Bailey took the opportunity to take a swipe at my hand as I flailed it around uselessly behind the TV cabinet, hoping to scare out anything taking refuge in the horrendous nest of cables entangled out of sight. Last time one of the Troublesome Trio decided to let loose a living bird in my lounge I was sure that the feathery little swine had attempted to raise an entire family behind the tv, such was the quantity of shit fused to every cable and power bar within arm’s reach.
This time however, nothing emerged. I was starting to feel reasonably confident that nothing lurked in the lounge, alive or otherwise. That is except for the three guilty parties, each of whom had now resorted to vigorously licking their unmentionables, as if the cacophony of their frantic arsehole slurping would somehow drown out my ragged, breathless cursing as I continued a last minute survey of the area.

Finally satisfied, I returned to the kitchen to begin cleaning up the feathery apocalypse.
And then I saw it. A discarded leg; tiny little toes still intact.
“You MONSTERS!” I wailed, staring in horror at the final evidence that this feathery friend had met an untimely end.
Bailey sauntered in to see what the fuss was about. “How could you?! Just look at it!” I moaned, pointing at the tiny, severed leg.
Bailey sat staring, his head tilted at a jaunty angle as he debated the contents of my distressed babbling. Then, without warning, he dashed forward and with the quickest of licks, he snatched the tiny leg into his mouth and crunched it down. When I say crunched I do mean crunched. My stomach turned several times over.
Any thought of the delicious pepperoni pizza waiting for me in the fridge slipped from my mind as I debated using the rubbish receptacle as a makeshift sick bag. Even a cool glass of wine couldn’t tempt me to allow anything past my lips, (though surely later I’d require the whole bottle).

“YOU REVOLTING LITTLE BASTARD” I cried, as the other two waddled in to see what they were missing. Bailey looked at me with an expression that told me zero fucks were given and the other two resumed licking their bits.

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